American Horror Story: Coven, Episode 313: “The Seven Wonders”

I am so glad that this shitty season of American Horror Story is over so that I can focus my attentions on the shitty season of The Walking Dead. I have nothing to look forward to in the world of television other than 90 Day Fiance, which never lets me down and always has a better plot than Coven.

This was the most disappointing season of American Horror Story to ever exist. Ever. I had a lot that I wanted to say about this episode and the season as a whole, but all of my points and more are expertly summed up in Louis Peitzman’s article over at Buzzfeed. Read this. It’s awesome and really encompasses everything that destroyed this season:

The finale was a trainwreck. Again, Murphy wastes the precious time of Stevie Nicks. The “strong” female leads were all reduced to grim stereotypes by the season’s conclusion. Even Fiona was left a blubbering mess by the end, completely contradicting her initial character.

Everybody can do everything, and everyone has a Stevie shawl. We are treated to near-constant closeups of Cordelia’s gouged-out sockets, and, disappointingly, no return Theremin performance from Myrtle. Also, can anyone explain why Queenie suddenly dropped out of the running for Supreme? Or, more importantly, why she was dancing while Cordelia was levitating a piano?

And then we have Fiona, who stops by one last time to get in some jabs at Cordelia before sharing perhaps the first emotional mother/daughter moment of their relationship. Fiona’s hell turns out to be living out an eternity in a cabin near a lake with the Axeman. While she and the Axeman have been passionate lovers for some time, it seems that Fiona has started hating him on the basis that he brings home catfish for dinner. Nevertheless, the cabin doesn’t seem to shabby and comes with a steady supply of alcohol. I don’t understand why this is hell, unless she really is that offended by catfish.

The seven wonders did not play out as a mystical competition, but rather as a cheap rip-off of a final exam at Hogwarts. No one cares that Cordelia is the Supreme because no one cares about any of the characters anymore, period. Sorry, Ryan Murphy. If you want to see how witches should be done, please refer to the works of JK Rowling.



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