American Horror Story; Coven, Episode 311: “Protect the Coven”

I am not even disturbed by Delphine LaLaurie anymore, I just want her to finish up with whoever she is torturing so that the episode can maybe pick up some semblance of a plot. I’m done. I don’t care who the Supreme is. I don’t care if anyone digs up Misty. I just want this season to be over so I can pretend it never happened. I will say I was happy to see the return of that fabulous tiger sweatshirt, but that was the only bright spot in what has been a downward spiral of devastatingly terrible episodes.

Emma Roberts is one of the worst actresses that I have ever seen. I tried to give her a shot, but every time she says “bitch” I want to jab a pencil into my ear canal. The fact that almost every character punctuates every sentence with the word “bitch” can be chalked up to bad writing, but there is just something about the way Roberts says it that makes me want to stop watching the show altogether.

Kyle was missing last episode, and this enabled him to obtain a mastery of the King’s English. Also, it might have been the writing utensil that was piercing my eardrum, but did I hear Myrtle give Zoe tickets to Epcot? EPCOT? Right, because the best way to survive the imminent destruction of your coven is to hide out in the World Showcase and maybe enjoy some authentically German pretzels.

Although I was marginally entertained by the prospect of Benadryl destroying Marie Laveau, I was thoroughly bored and disgusted by “Protect the Coven.” Everyone just feels stale and clichéd at this point, which is a shame. This could have been a great season, but nothing can save it now. I mean, Dylan McDermott would definitely help, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. There are too many characters and too many plot strings flying around. Not that Ryan Murphy is a fan of neatly resolving anything that he produces, but that’s neither here nor there. On a brighter note, I thought there were three more episodes, but there are only two!! The end is in sight!! We can all celebrate by going to Epcot with reassembled dead loved ones!

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